I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt any of you, just as I am sure none of you intended to emotionally disable me for over two years. There are no words I can say that will take your pain away. There is nothing I have that will cure the ache in your heart when you speak or think of me. All I can say is that I am sorry you are in pain and I hope one day you do not hurt anymore.
However, I am not the answer to your problems. Regardless of my words, your pain will remain unless you work through it yourself. Being angry at me, being resentful, or maybe even sad, won’t make you feel better. You can paint me as the devil in the flesh, but that will not take your pain away. You need to move on, just as I have.
Under different circumstances, maybe we all would’ve remained in touch, but it wasn’t the case. Between college and the emotional instability of my inner strength, it was not meant to be. I only had so much I could handle, and at the time, I thought it was my job to take care of everyone’s pain, as I had done for years at that point. I pulled away from everyone because I needed to take care of myself. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.
The past is in the past. I cannot help you anymore. I cannot take all of your pain away. I do not wish you any harm. In fact, I hope you are happy, truly happy. I hope that you find a way to work through the suffering I have caused and that you can emerge from it stronger. I believe in all of you. I believe in your ability to get on your two feet and stand taller than ever. I believe you can do it, just as I always have. If blaming me is what you need to do so you can feel better, I will take all the blame, but if it doesn’t help, then you need to find a better way.
There has always been a problem with our group… we would complain for the hell of it, for the sake of venting, and at the time, I thought it was okay… but there is a difference between venting and not letting it go. Sometimes it’s better to vent, let it out, and then instead of dwelling on it, finding a solution, or something to feel better. Be productive.
I like to believe that I was special to you guys, but please do not give me that much control over your lives and your feelings. Right now, I am a ghost of your past. Don’t let a ghost haunt you. Breathe and let it go.
For the simple one, you were the only one that got truly caught in the crossfire. It was your affiliation and closeness to the others that made me decide leaving everyone was for the best. I apologize for any pain I caused you. I promise I did not forget of your fear of abandonment. You were a connected bridge to an island I couldn’t visit anymore. Don’t be afraid to stand on your feet. I know you have the strength inside you to say “no” to people and to cut out those who don’t serve you any good at all. It would’ve been too difficult for me to stay in touch privately with you given your close connections to everyone else, and I didn’t want those connections to my life.
For the toxin, there was no way to save anything. Whatever we touched was destined to crumble. At the time, I knew there was no way of keeping things simple, so I did what you had promised to do yourself on multiple occasions: I brunt the bridges you were connected to. I started from zero. You gave me the strength to start from zero. Thank you for all the lessons you gave me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it hadn’t been for them.
Where am I right now? I am not afraid of my past. Honestly… I’m pretty happy.