A Ghost from the Past

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Dear _____,

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt any of you, just as I am sure none of you intended to emotionally disable me for over two years. There are no words I can say that will take your pain away. There is nothing I have that will cure the ache in your heart when you speak or think of me. All I can say is that I am sorry you are in pain and I hope one day you do not hurt anymore.

However, I am not the answer to your problems. Regardless of my words, your pain will remain unless you work through it yourself. Being angry at me, being resentful, or maybe even sad, won’t make you feel better. You can paint me as the devil in the flesh, but that will not take your pain away. You need to move on, just as I have.

Under different circumstances, maybe we all would’ve remained in touch, but it wasn’t the case. Between college and the emotional instability of my inner strength, it was not meant to be. I only had so much I could handle, and at the time, I thought it was my job to take care of everyone’s pain, as I had done for years at that point. I pulled away from everyone because I needed to take care of myself. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

The past is in the past. I cannot help you anymore. I cannot take all of your pain away. I do not wish you any harm. In fact, I hope you are happy, truly happy. I hope that you find a way to work through the suffering I have caused and that you can emerge from it stronger. I believe in all of you. I believe in your ability to get on your two feet and stand taller than ever. I believe you can do it, just as I always have. If blaming me is what you need to do so you can feel better, I will take all the blame, but if it doesn’t help, then you need to find a better way.

There has always been a problem with our group… we would complain for the hell of it, for the sake of venting, and at the time, I thought it was okay… but there is a difference between venting and not letting it go. Sometimes it’s better to vent, let it out, and then instead of dwelling on it, finding a solution, or something to feel better. Be productive.

I like to believe that I was special to you guys, but please do not give me that much control over your lives and your feelings. Right now, I am a ghost of your past. Don’t let a ghost haunt you. Breathe and let it go.

For the simple one, you were the only one that got truly caught in the crossfire. It was your affiliation and closeness to the others that made me decide leaving everyone was for the best. I apologize for any pain I caused you. I promise I did not forget of your fear of abandonment. You were a connected bridge to an island I couldn’t visit anymore. Don’t be afraid to stand on your feet. I know you have the strength inside you to say “no” to people and to cut out those who don’t serve you any good at all. It would’ve been too difficult for me to stay in touch privately with you given your close connections to everyone else, and I didn’t want those connections to my life.

For the toxin, there was no way to save anything. Whatever we touched was destined to crumble. At the time, I knew there was no way of keeping things simple, so I did what you had promised to do yourself on multiple occasions: I brunt the bridges you were connected to. I started from zero. You gave me the strength to start from zero. Thank you for all the lessons you gave me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it hadn’t been for them.

Where am I right now? I am not afraid of my past. Honestly… I’m pretty happy.


Tomorrow Will Be A New Day

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I lay on a couch with my thoughts in mind,
I would lay in bed, but not this time.
Tonight is the night I close my eyes,
And count the seconds until sunrise.

Tomorrow will be a new day,
Tomorrow I’ll be on my way.
My feet will move, my spirit will soar,
I’ll see what awaits outside my door.

For now my heart is asleep,
Resting from pain so deep,
For it’s been stuck in a void,
Ever since it got destroyed.

Tomorrow will be a new day,
Tomorrow I’ll find a way,
For no pain lasts forever,
And acceptance is found together.


Growing Up is Hard

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Growing up is hard. I don’t mean the legal age mark or even the managing your own life part… I mean the realizing and separating yourself from your past and the people that shaped you. It’s hard. Don’t get me wrong, working and paying your bills is hard work, especially when paired with the irregularity of life… but that part feels worth the emotional freedom.

It’s the separation. It’s hard enough separating from caregivers, it’s even harder when you grow up. People grow up at so many different ages… most seem to grow up in their teenage years, recognizing responsibilities and realizing that no one can control what they do. It’s realizing that you do not have to be afraid to be yourself.

I didn’t grow up for a long time because growing up, I had a lot to lose. The risk was so big. So many people around me would tell me that I needed to stand up for myself and put my foot down, but really… now I recognize that it was just a specific way of saying I had to grow up. We all do at some point. Some people don’t, however. Growing up is hard and not all of us are okay with facing hard things. Sometimes, it’s just easier to accept what’s happening and move on…

Standing up against a current is difficult, of course, but if you stand long enough, you learn to change the flow of the water. Before you know it, with practice, you control the current. Or maybe you don’t feel its pressure anymore.



When Plans Are Pointless

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Let’s plan everything. Let’s plan everything we can to make up for living a life full of unpredictabilities. Let’s budget all the finances and have an emergency fund. Let’s set aside specific goals that will help accomplish even bigger goals over time. Let’s write down every single cent spent. How about we plan when to move? When to get another job? When to start having kids? How to raise them? What to name them? Where we will go as a family? How about we plan everything we can because we’re exhausted from being dragged around everywhere? Let’s do that. Let’s have a plan for everything. Let’s have a plan for our careers, our lives, our hobbies, our finances. Oh yes, let’s plan for the fun things! Let’s schedule all of it. Let’s coordinate which days of the year are best for a vacation and try to match it with days that aren’t great for working to minimize the amount of money lost. Let’s make lists! Oh yes, let’s make lists for everything! Let’s make a to-do list to stay productive. We need a daily one, a weekly one, and one for things that need to be done whenever possible. We need one for our hobbies. What to get next, when to get it, where to find it. Let’s compare and contrast all of the pros and cons of every single decision we make, every relationship we maintain, and every feeling we feel. Let’s justify it all. Let’s give everything meaning because life so often feels like certain things are meaningless unless you make them meaningful. Let’s approve of plans that only affect us years from now. We don’t need them yet, but let’s have them there so we have a direction to face. We can modify the plans if something changes. Let’s plan for things… let’s plan for things together… if something goes wrong, we can just crumple up that piece of paper and start again… just to give the illusion that we have any form of control in life.


Life is Full of Surprises

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Life is full of surprises. I don’t know if I would compare it to a box of chocolates given that the boxes I’ve seen usually have pictures and descriptions of the chocolates inside. There isn’t really something I would find worthy of comparing life to. It is a very unpredictable roller coaster. That’s the closest I can get. It makes you want to scream, it can put a pit in your stomach, and it can make you terrified of going on, but it can also be addicting and make you wanna keep it up.

Life isn’t a constant moving roller coaster though. For some people, it stops in the middle of a plateau and takes a while to even move. For others, it’s the biggest roller coaster in the world that makes you scream not because you want to, but because you have to or you might throw up.

Some people, like myself, aren’t the biggest fans of unpredictability. I’m fine with the roller coaster as long as I can see when it’s going to spike, turn, go upside down and all that stuff. I can adapt; I’ve been doing that my entire life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the desire to pick what kind of roller coaster I’m riding.

There’s a lack of certainty in life that makes me often feel on edge. What’s going to happen tomorrow? What if it’s the rainy day you’re still only beginning to prepare for? What if life throws you a punch you weren’t yet ready to deal with? Even the people around you aren’t certain. Anything can happen and you never know what your last words to them will be. They aren’t permanent in your life and that’s… terrifying. Even if you get married and agree to spend the rest of your life with someone… what about accidents? Assuming it all goes well, there’s still accidents, health concerns, financial instability… how can you ever prepare or not feel breathless when life throws you a curve ball when you weren’t prepared for it?

You can’t prepare. That’s the thing about life. Even if you’re trying to prepare for it, often times things will happen to make it even harder. Life wasn’t made to be stagnant. We have to appreciate the Air we breathe and the things we feel because you don’t know how long any of that will last. You don’t know anything for sure, and that’s terrifying…

If I had to be terrified though, at least I can be terrified with the certainty that it’s never going to get easier, just a better story to tell. No one enjoys a boring story, right?


Let Them Go

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There is something oddly satisfying about the need to break ties. I have avoided burning bridges for as long as I can remember because I used to truly believe that you need to be there for someone at their worst if you want to deserve them at their best. The truth is, I still stand by this. However, this doesn’t mean I will remain at their side when it proves detrimental to my health or when, for some reason, I’m not enough.

I can count to a number higher than one where I have done my best to support someone, listen to them, defend them, and cherish them, only to be spoken of behind my back—and not with pleasant words. It comes to that time that I wonder: If all I did was support them and do my best to be a friend… and this happened… then do they really deserve my friendship?

I’ve learned that it’s important to have standards in your relationships, not only romantic, but in your family and friends too. Don’t let people take advantage of you. Don’t let people disrespect you. Don’t let people put you down. It’s okay to have fights and misunderstandings, as long as you remain true to your standards.

When someone doesn’t meet your standards, you have two choices: you leave or you lower your standards. For years, I went with the latter option. I lowered my standards into the ground so I could remain with the people I cared about. I came up with excuses for them, defended their actions, and forgave them mistake after mistake after mistake. There came a point where I realized… I deserve better.

So now, when I come across a relationship that I know won’t last because they are falling below my standards, I am not afraid. They move on too. Very few times am I actually missed.

There is, however, nothing more satisfying than leaving someone behind knowing you didn’t necessarily leave them alone. They will be okay without me.


That “Something” Fire

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What is your fire? Where does it come from? What makes your passion burn?

What’s your mission? Who do you fight for? What do you do afterwards?

I am here to serve, and I am here to live. I am here to show everyone it’s  okay to give a shit.

I know not everyone likes me, and I’m okay with that. People just don’t understand what I’m going at.

I feel my past judges my future, and present worries of the past, but nothing, and I say nothing, can make the concern last.

For I am strong and indestructible.

I am powerful and sincere.

I am the strength of my soul, and the solution to my fear.

I will stand up and I will conquer all of those around me; for I will love them and I will honor, the wonderful power of free will.

But listen to my words, listen to them inspire…

What are you without love? What is hope without a “something” fire?