When Plans Are Pointless

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Let’s plan everything. Let’s plan everything we can to make up for living a life full of unpredictabilities. Let’s budget all the finances and have an emergency fund. Let’s set aside specific goals that will help accomplish even bigger goals over time. Let’s write down every single cent spent. How about we plan when to move? When to get another job? When to start having kids? How to raise them? What to name them? Where we will go as a family? How about we plan everything we can because we’re exhausted from being dragged around everywhere? Let’s do that. Let’s have a plan for everything. Let’s have a plan for our careers, our lives, our hobbies, our finances. Oh yes, let’s plan for the fun things! Let’s schedule all of it. Let’s coordinate which days of the year are best for a vacation and try to match it with days that aren’t great for working to minimize the amount of money lost. Let’s make lists! Oh yes, let’s make lists for everything! Let’s make a to-do list to stay productive. We need a daily one, a weekly one, and one for things that need to be done whenever possible. We need one for our hobbies. What to get next, when to get it, where to find it. Let’s compare and contrast all of the pros and cons of every single decision we make, every relationship we maintain, and every feeling we feel. Let’s justify it all. Let’s give everything meaning because life so often feels like certain things are meaningless unless you make them meaningful. Let’s approve of plans that only affect us years from now. We don’t need them yet, but let’s have them there so we have a direction to face. We can modify the plans if something changes. Let’s plan for things… let’s plan for things together… if something goes wrong, we can just crumple up that piece of paper and start again… just to give the illusion that we have any form of control in life.

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My Dear Friend

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My dear friend,

You are all I have left of my past. I have abandoned all of my creations, keeping them only in memories that refuse to leave my heart. I still recall the times that they have cried for me and done questionable things that real people would not do.

My dear friend, you are all that is left. I met you a few years ago during finals week and recognized you because someone had described you a few times. Apparently, not everyone recognizes you. I feel accomplished to know your name. I feel accomplished in seeing what you do.

Even now, you still follow me. I’ve said goodbye to my past, on questionable terms which I deemed would be healthiest for everyone in the end. I’ve done the one thing I most often avoided doing: burning bridges. I burned not only three, but another three that were connected. I am accustomed to accepting that people will hate me for doing what I feel is best. The truth is, my past has made me selfish. I no longer sacrifice myself for others. I have so many more limits to what I can take.

But my dear friend, why can’t I say goodbye to you? Why do you still follow me? Why do you overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion? Why do you tell me all of these horrible things? Why do you dampen my self-esteem when things are clearly good and why do you make me feel worthless despite everything showing otherwise? Why do you tell me I did something wrong when all someone did was say hello?

My dear friend… why can’t I leave you? Why must you remind me of everything that can go wrong? Why must you punch me in the chest so strong that it feels like I’m having a heart attack? Why do you strangle me so? Why do I keep you around?

Oh, Anxiety… you’ve been with me for a while now, haven’t you? You’re not my favorite monster. You’re not my favorite friend. Honestly, I wish I knew how to say goodbye to you once and for all, but I feel that once someone meets you, you’re impossible to forget.

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My Pet Tiger

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I adopted a pet tiger
It was kind of on a whim.
I didn’t know what
I was going to do with him.
He was cute, and fluffy,
But sometimes I was worried.
I named him “Panic” because
He’d jump on me when he scared.

Panic at first was small,
His claws were sharp,
But not enough to harm.
He’d sneak up on me,
Give no warning,
Then jump all of a sudden.
He would do this every month,
And whenever I had something
About to come up.

But then, Panic grew out of it.
He stopped stalking me,
Stopped surprising me,
Instead just sat there with his claws,
Clicking against the floor.
The clicks drove me mad,
Because I knew Panic was right there.

He grew bigger, still,
And then I could always see him.
Whenever he was around,
He made sure to get attention.
I saw Panic coming,
Clicking against the floor,
And before I knew it,
Panic was pushing me down more.
He would sit on my chest,
With a paw on my neck,
But my pet tiger’s way too big,
For me to just push off.

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