We’ve Both Grown

Untitled-2 - Copy

We’ve Both Grown since the last time we talked.
I feel that we would get along if we tried,
But the past is the past and what happened, happened.
I cannot suddenly become what I am not.

We both have a way with words, you inspired me with mine,
You spill your feelings onto pages, I pour my feelings into life.
Still, we were different, you were there, and I was not.
We could’ve been different friends, but not this time.

You are not a bad person, you are a kind soul.
You needed friends for comfort, I needed them for more,
I wanted a solution to my heavy burdens,
My venting was not victimizing, I didn’t want that role.

I wonder how your life is, if anything has changed.
I think about the stories that together we left behind.
I miss them, I really do, for those pages became real.
One day I’ll bring them back, at least that can be arranged.

Untitled-2

Let Me Grow Roots

Untitled-2 - Copy

I was germinated in a bag,
Transplanted into a small pot.
Before I was even full of leaves,
There had been thousands of pots
Of many colors.

As a sapling, I grew strong,
My bark was thick from all the moving
I had done as a seed.
My roots were weak,
But my leaves were large.

When a small tree, I learned something;
My roots didn’t have the time to grow.
I could stay strong regardless of my pot,
Regardless of how many different plants I was not.
My roots could grow strong.

Finally, I decided I was done with all of this.
I wanted to stay still, stand still, and just that.
Let Me Grow Roots, for once in my life.
Let Me Grow Roots, so I can grow large.
I can live on the move, but Let Me Grow Roots.

Untitled-2

I Am More Than One

Untitled-2 - Copy

I am so many things
I am much more than one.

Today
I am an absent friend.
I am a lost dream.
I am the poison in someone’s heart.
And I am the bad reason for everything.

I am also a supportive friend.
I am the perfect imperfection.
I am the light to someone’s day.
And I am the good reason to keep fighting.

But I used to be much more.
I used to be so many.

I was a dedicated, vampiric mother.
I was a drunken, bipolar father.
I was a neglected child.
I was a nine-tailed sorcerer,
Cursed by his mother.

I was a passionate magician.
I was an arrogant dragon rider.
I was a schizophrenic teenager.
I was a happy ex-slave cheetah,
Along with her canine son.

I was a short, lesbian gamer.
I was a sadistic succubus.
I was a shadow demon with morals.
I was a girl eager to please,
Like the golden retriever inside her.

I was a rich, gay brother.
I was a territorial wolf mother.
I was a cuddly, biting tiger.
I was a hot-headed island native,
With the power to control water.

I was a dragon searching knowledge.
I was a flamboyant, gay bartender.
I was a wanna-be guard jaguar.
I was a genderless angel,
And his kinda female daughter.

I was an odd-eyed, smug leader.
I was a scorched, but strong warlock.
I was a ex-prince who loved an assassin.
I was an elf without a heart,
In a realm of friendly Gods.

I used to be all of these.
I used to go by many names.
I used to live in different worlds
All to let out various pains.
Through these lives that I created,
I would feel the things I hide,
That once were buried deep inside.

I used to be all these people.
I used to put on these masks.
I used to have all their problems,
In favor of forgetting about my own.

I am so many things,
But I used to be much more.

Untitled-2

I Used To Be Nice

Untitled-2 - Copy

I used to be nice
And
I used to care a lot more.
I used to worry about
How
People would feel.
I used to watch myself
And
Monitor my words.
I used to carefully pick
And
Choose every single thought.

I used to care
For
The hurt and wounded.
I used to hold them
And
Tell them it’s okay.
I used to reassure
That
It was meant this way.
I used to apologize
For
Saying something mean.

I used to care about
What
People think.
I used to wonder
How
To make someone smile.
I used to fight
And
Defend another’s right.
I used to give a fuck
When
Someone had a pout.

Now I’m laughing
And
Saying stupid things.
I’m making black jokes
To
My kinda black friend.
I’m pointing out flaws
In
All my best friends.
I’m giving out burns
To
Whoever makes a mistake.

Now I don’t care
About
People being dumb.
I don’t give a shit
And
I’m just having fun.
I manage to laugh
At
Jokes about death.
I somehow find humor
When
I realize I’m bad.

I used to cry
About
My friends in pain.
I used to try
All
In my reach.
I used to be afraid
And
Never rolled the dice.
A long time ago
When
I used to be nice.

Untitled-2

I’m Tired. I’m Exhausted. I’m Drained.

Untitled-2 - Copy

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I’m tired of thinking about the best for everyone. I’m tired of always putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I’m tired of caring how someone feels. I’m tired of being little “goody two-shoes” who always does the right thing and can be counted on when someone needs help. I’m tired of being everyone’s rock in life, trying to remain stable so they can hold on. I’m tired of being the sunshine in everyone’s day. I’m tired of consciously having to avoid doing certain things just because I know it would upset someone.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I’m tired of putting everyone else first. I’m tired of sacrificing myself for the benefit of others. I’m tired of trying to have a gentle hand to avoid a harming touch. I’m tired of searching my brain for gentle words when someone needs to understand. I’m tired of trying to be “the friendly one”.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I’m exhausted from doing so much. I’m drained from helping so many. It’s… Painful, but at the same time it’s numbing to see yourself change while other people stay the same. It hurts, it sucks… When you just don’t care as much. I’m tired of being nice… Now I just want to be happy.

Untitled-2