Growing Up is Hard

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Growing up is hard. I don’t mean the legal age mark or even the managing your own life part… I mean the realizing and separating yourself from your past and the people that shaped you. It’s hard. Don’t get me wrong, working and paying your bills is hard work, especially when paired with the irregularity of life… but that part feels worth the emotional freedom.

It’s the separation. It’s hard enough separating from caregivers, it’s even harder when you grow up. People grow up at so many different ages… most seem to grow up in their teenage years, recognizing responsibilities and realizing that no one can control what they do. It’s realizing that you do not have to be afraid to be yourself.

I didn’t grow up for a long time because growing up, I had a lot to lose. The risk was so big. So many people around me would tell me that I needed to stand up for myself and put my foot down, but really… now I recognize that it was just a specific way of saying I had to grow up. We all do at some point. Some people don’t, however. Growing up is hard and not all of us are okay with facing hard things. Sometimes, it’s just easier to accept what’s happening and move on…

Standing up against a current is difficult, of course, but if you stand long enough, you learn to change the flow of the water. Before you know it, with practice, you control the current. Or maybe you don’t feel its pressure anymore.

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I Am Alive

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There are moments that come along and I wonder;
Am I alive?
I ask myself this question because sometimes, I feel doubt.
What is there to prove my existence?
What is there that says: you are alive?

Over time, I’ve gradually found an answer:
Yes, I am alive.
Otherwise, how else would I explain
The throbbing in my heart,
The ringing in my ears,
And the sharp pain in my stomach?
How else would I explain
The tugs at my heart strings,
The difficulty to breathe,
The panic in my thoughts…?

I am alive,
Because otherwise this pain would be a dream,
This pain wouldn’t be real,
But then again I get lost because sometimes… It’s gone.
There are moments that I feel so alive
That the world gets hazy, blurry,
And reality disappears.
It feels like a dream
And in my dreams,
I do not feel alive.

So there are these moments,
Where I am so alive with pain,
That I feel dead in a dream.
And it’s okay,
Because I tell myself that I will sleep,
To wake up from this death,
Only to see the world is still distant,
And reality isn’t tangible.
A growing feeling of time control tugs at my brain.
The possibility of stopping time, rewinding the clock,
Feels all too real in this dream state.
The possibility of going back to when
I am alive.

So then I trek through my dreams,
With one foot in reality
And another lost in time.
The pain returns and again, I feel
That truly,
I am alive.

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Friendly To All

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She was the girl with the broken smile,
Shattered inside for more than a while.
It’s been a few years, maybe about nine,
But it doesn’t matter, she’s lost track of time.
Building her walls thick and high,
Nothing can hurt her, at least not inside.
Close to people, she will stay,
But touch her heart, she’ll push you away.
Friendship and trust is easily faded.
Her view for others is already jaded.
This is a constant battle for her,
Forever lost and always unsure.
She means well, that’s plain to see,
But close to her, you’ll never be.
The scars are formed, the damage is done,
She’s friendly to all but a friend to none.

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Fogged Spotlight

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Surrounded by darkness,
Cast into the light,
Given the wonder of dark’s kiss,
Right before the fight.

The focus is right,
The spotlight is sure.
Things will happen tonight,
They will not be as they were.

Life is paused.
Hearts are shattered.
Friendships are lost.
It’ll almost be as if nothing mattered.

Will there be a light?
A place to go?
Is there hope in sight,
Of a life to show?

Are accomplishments forgotten,
Tossed down the drain?
Troubles are often,
From mistaken forms of pain.

Lose sight of your goals,
Lose track of your shine,
Lose the connection to your soul,
Forget the fact there’s no second time.

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Mistakes

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We often times do a lot of finger pointing.
We blame, we criticize, and strive for one thing:
All within our power to stay the same.
No matter what’s wrong, we don’t want to change.
I’d like to say today that I apologize.
I lost touch with myself, not even sure why.
I had these feelings from an unknown location,
So I blamed you to find alleviation.
For that, I apologize, it was unfair.
All you did was show you care.

I’m sure this won’t be my only mistake,
For life is full of choices to make.
I’ll try hard to get it right,
To pave my path into the light.
I remember how great life can be,
If only I open my eyes to see,
Even though I get hurt by sticks and stones,
That doesn’t mean I get hurt alone;
For everyone fights a battle inside,
A battle invisible to the naked eye.
Yes, we make mistakes over time,
But every day is a chance to shine.

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My Precious Tears

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Collect them all, my precious tears
Let them fill up your jar.
Collect them all, over the years
I’m sure that you’ll go far.

Don’t miss a single one,
You know that’d be pain
Your job is far from done,
There is still so much to gain.

Make sure you get every drop,
Each one is worth your time.
Fill up your jar to the top,
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

Collect my sadness.
Taste my fear.
Feel my madness,
Sing your cheer.

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I’d Like To Think I Do a Lot

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I’d like to think I do a lot,
That I do more than what is asked.
But then again, I’d rather not,
For my discontent can’t be masked.

If I work hard and try my best,
I should accept that’s to expect.
If I slack off and fail my test,
Lack of trying, they will detect.

I do this and I do that,
But I shouldn’t dare point it out.
If I do, I’ll be a brat,
Who only knows how to pout.

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