A Ghost from the Past

Untitled-2 - Copy

Dear _____,

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt any of you, just as I am sure none of you intended to emotionally disable me for over two years. There are no words I can say that will take your pain away. There is nothing I have that will cure the ache in your heart when you speak or think of me. All I can say is that I am sorry you are in pain and I hope one day you do not hurt anymore.

However, I am not the answer to your problems. Regardless of my words, your pain will remain unless you work through it yourself. Being angry at me, being resentful, or maybe even sad, won’t make you feel better. You can paint me as the devil in the flesh, but that will not take your pain away. You need to move on, just as I have.

Under different circumstances, maybe we all would’ve remained in touch, but it wasn’t the case. Between college and the emotional instability of my inner strength, it was not meant to be. I only had so much I could handle, and at the time, I thought it was my job to take care of everyone’s pain, as I had done for years at that point. I pulled away from everyone because I needed to take care of myself. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

The past is in the past. I cannot help you anymore. I cannot take all of your pain away. I do not wish you any harm. In fact, I hope you are happy, truly happy. I hope that you find a way to work through the suffering I have caused and that you can emerge from it stronger. I believe in all of you. I believe in your ability to get on your two feet and stand taller than ever. I believe you can do it, just as I always have. If blaming me is what you need to do so you can feel better, I will take all the blame, but if it doesn’t help, then you need to find a better way.

There has always been a problem with our group… we would complain for the hell of it, for the sake of venting, and at the time, I thought it was okay… but there is a difference between venting and not letting it go. Sometimes it’s better to vent, let it out, and then instead of dwelling on it, finding a solution, or something to feel better. Be productive.

I like to believe that I was special to you guys, but please do not give me that much control over your lives and your feelings. Right now, I am a ghost of your past. Don’t let a ghost haunt you. Breathe and let it go.

For the simple one, you were the only one that got truly caught in the crossfire. It was your affiliation and closeness to the others that made me decide leaving everyone was for the best. I apologize for any pain I caused you. I promise I did not forget of your fear of abandonment. You were a connected bridge to an island I couldn’t visit anymore. Don’t be afraid to stand on your feet. I know you have the strength inside you to say “no” to people and to cut out those who don’t serve you any good at all. It would’ve been too difficult for me to stay in touch privately with you given your close connections to everyone else, and I didn’t want those connections to my life.

For the toxin, there was no way to save anything. Whatever we touched was destined to crumble. At the time, I knew there was no way of keeping things simple, so I did what you had promised to do yourself on multiple occasions: I brunt the bridges you were connected to. I started from zero. You gave me the strength to start from zero. Thank you for all the lessons you gave me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it hadn’t been for them.

Where am I right now? I am not afraid of my past. Honestly… I’m pretty happy.



To Whom It May Concern

Untitled-2 - Copy

To Whom It May Concern,

I was born with one certainty in life: I am going to make a positive difference in the world. I knew for as long as I can remember that my purpose was to help the world. Call it instinct, divine mission, or just my passion… but that is what I’m here for. Regardless of what you believe in, I know this is what I believe in almost more than I believe in myself.

See, I change. Every day, my opinions change and evolve, my thoughts run wild and crazy, perceptions get altered with more experience, but the certainty that I have to do something amazing is always there. It doesn’t matter what happens, who I meet, or who I become in the end… I will do whatever it takes to accomplish my soul’s deepest desire.

I am here for this and I will do this regardless of whoever or whatever gets in my way. I will write, I will sing, I will storm the world with everything I have to say in hopes that the ones that hear me will have a brighter day. I will fight for more than just myself, I will fight for everyone that needs a helping hand. We are not in this world alone. We do not live here alone by ourselves. We are surrounded by brothers and sisters, not biological, but spiritual, energetic. Is it wrong to care about your species? Is it wrong to care even more so about all the Earthlings we share this planet with? Caring should never be considered a wrong answer, and that is what I think.

Here I stand, sit, and lay down staring at the world around me, feeling my heart burn and pulse with the immense desire to help others, yet at this present moment, I need to build up my strength to do so. With great change and power, comes great responsibility. I am that strong, but I must be stronger. I must know more, I must learn more, so that I can have the necessary tools to reach a larger group of people around me.

For now, I start small. I change the lives of those I know while trying to build up my strength. My journey is a long one, but I am dedicated to it every part of the way. Nothing can stir me from my path. Nothing can make me shy away from my biggest goal. I expect many to try to stop me, mostly those who are scared of light or those who have skewed opinions of what I am trying to do, and for those, I apologize, because there is nothing you can do to break me.


A Person With A Mission


Dearest, Strangers

Untitled-2 - Copy

Dearest Strangers,

I thought for a while that we could be acquaintances or maybe even buddies since we see each other all the time. I guess I was wrong. I thought that we could eventually know each other and possibly become friends. I guess I was wrong.

I don’t understand what happened to make you think I meant harm.
I swear to protect all those around me even if they’ve done me wrong.
My soul lives by the motto “treat others as you want to be treated,”
so how in the world did I come off as someone who “knew it all”?

Where did I go wrong? This is extremely ironic. I live my life by kindness, transparency, and truth, yet somehow I came off as a person who lied to you?

How was it that my words became so twisted in the air? How did “I can help” translate to “I am better”? All I try to do is make things easier for all; if I struggled, I do my best to make sure others won’t fall.

It really hurts to think that’s what you see in me. To think I wanted your best and you’d prefer I just leave. Somehow I was labeled with an inflated sense of worth. This term called “arrogance” was actually a first. I’ve been called manipulative, satanic, and a jerk, some of those surprised me but all of them hurt. Yes, I can be manipulative at times. My beliefs have nothing to do with Satan. A jerk? Maybe when I’m cornered, since the only times I bite is when my bark is ignored.

I want to be kind, caring, and understanding. I’ve always wanted to be that shoulder someone can lean on when they’re standing. I don’t ever judge, I don’t gossip, I don’t fuss. If I ever did any of those, I’d keep it to myself. See, strangers, you’d be surprised with all the things I know. I have secrets of years from others and some of my own. I’ve never once shared to ears that were not welcome. To my friends, I make sure my words to one won’t harm another. This is where my manipulative nature comes to play. It’s where I play every scenario that can go wrong in my head, and if I can’t avoid them I get permission for those involved.

My entire life I’ve spent putting others up high. I don’t say above me, since that would be a lie. I treated everyone as an equal, regardless of liking them or not. I only pulled away when I needed to recharge, but strangers… I don’t blame you if you got it wrong. I don’t help because I feel needed. I don’t help because I have to. I don’t help because I feel better and I don’t help to feel superior. I help because when I struggle, I want help someone else. I help because sometimes I get lost on my own. I help because I refuse to succeed if another will fail. I help because helping feels nice and seeing another person smile too.

So, dearest strangers, I’m quite sure you’ll never read this. These are parts of my heart, my mind, and my feelings. In reality I thought we were in this together, but since you don’t want help, I’ll just sit in the corner. I thought we could be acquaintances or maybe even buddies… but I guess I was wrong. I guess we’ll just be strangers stuck together for years to come.


A Letter to a Person

Someone You Don’t Know
1234 Losing Count
Judgement Town, Earth

December 1, 2014

1133 Listening St.
Freedom, Utopia 22444

Dear Person,

You have stumbled upon a letter. This letter is dedicated to everyone willing to read it. I’ve spent my life told to express myself. I’ve grown up told to never hold in your bad feelings, because they tend to manifest in horrid ways; in your health, in your life, in your relationships. When you hold onto your feelings, it’s like swallowing poison. It might not make a difference the moment you swallow it, but it will harm you… and no one else.

However, it gets hard to let those feelings out… when you can’t really find someone to listen. It’s like an empty call to the wind. It’s like crying out, only to have your voice drowned out. You see people there, right there, close enough to touch and feel, but they don’t see what you’re trying to say. It’s not a particularly nice feeling. I believe that pain cannot be compared, but I have experienced that one of the worst pains is when someone stops listening, when someone stops noticing, when someone stops caring… I don’t know if it’s as bad as having had no one ever care in the first place, but it is hard when life constantly makes you be around that person. Every word, a hard tug at your heart, slowly ripping it open and exposing the soft, tender meat inside… only to have the bleeding ignored.

Life isn’t horrible. In fact, it’s pretty nice… I have no issue with life. I believe it is a blessing, even if I don’t see it at the time. Despite this, though, I have an issue with some people in my life. So many different feelings inside me, and none of them are able to come out. The first time I searched for sympathy, I was greeted with misunderstanding. The person I trusted most, the person I expected to support me, was the person to tell me that what I was feeling wasn’t accurate.

“That’s not you. You aren’t like this. I know you. You don’t know what you’re talking about, and you’re just confused. It’ll wear off.” Those were words that could be compared to what I was told. The one who had promised to always cherish me, no matter what, denied what I believed was part of my identity. They may not have realized it… but the moment they said my feelings weren’t true, they invalidated who I am. They told me that I wasn’t who or what I felt I was. They misunderstood my feelings. They didn’t understand, and that harmed me on a level so deep, that I bear a scar in the bottom of my heart since then.

I am now afraid of expressing myself. I am afraid to be myself around the people I love, in fear they will not really love me for who I am. If you do not understand someone—you don’t need to agree with them—but if you do not understand them… Can you truly say that you love them, no matter what?

Even if, when I had claimed my identity to be somewhat different than it used to be perceived, I had truly been confused… Shouldn’t someone support you, and let you realize that for yourself? Is it so wrong to support someone through their growth? Is it so sinful to approve of change, when the world is against it? Should we not embrace people for having the courage to question who they are, and what they believe in? Tell me, Person… Is it so wrong to question what others have told you? Haven’t the greatest thinkers of the world ventured to go beyond what they were told? What greater achievement is there than to truly be sure of your own identity?

Now, I write this letter to you. My heart is heavy. It is cut into smaller pieces with each passing day. There are moments when I think it is over, and I feel endlessly happy again, but then something reminds me that I am currently hiding under a cloak to conceal my true self. Then I find myself questioning my freedom of expression. So, Person, take what you will of this letter. I hope, for your own sake, that you are accepted and loved for who you are, all of you, not just some parts of you.

Slowly breaking down,

Someone You Don’t Know