Tomorrow Will Be A New Day

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I lay on a couch with my thoughts in mind,
I would lay in bed, but not this time.
Tonight is the night I close my eyes,
And count the seconds until sunrise.

Tomorrow will be a new day,
Tomorrow I’ll be on my way.
My feet will move, my spirit will soar,
I’ll see what awaits outside my door.

For now my heart is asleep,
Resting from pain so deep,
For it’s been stuck in a void,
Ever since it got destroyed.

Tomorrow will be a new day,
Tomorrow I’ll find a way,
For no pain lasts forever,
And acceptance is found together.

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My Dear Friend

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My dear friend,

You are all I have left of my past. I have abandoned all of my creations, keeping them only in memories that refuse to leave my heart. I still recall the times that they have cried for me and done questionable things that real people would not do.

My dear friend, you are all that is left. I met you a few years ago during finals week and recognized you because someone had described you a few times. Apparently, not everyone recognizes you. I feel accomplished to know your name. I feel accomplished in seeing what you do.

Even now, you still follow me. I’ve said goodbye to my past, on questionable terms which I deemed would be healthiest for everyone in the end. I’ve done the one thing I most often avoided doing: burning bridges. I burned not only three, but another three that were connected. I am accustomed to accepting that people will hate me for doing what I feel is best. The truth is, my past has made me selfish. I no longer sacrifice myself for others. I have so many more limits to what I can take.

But my dear friend, why can’t I say goodbye to you? Why do you still follow me? Why do you overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion? Why do you tell me all of these horrible things? Why do you dampen my self-esteem when things are clearly good and why do you make me feel worthless despite everything showing otherwise? Why do you tell me I did something wrong when all someone did was say hello?

My dear friend… why can’t I leave you? Why must you remind me of everything that can go wrong? Why must you punch me in the chest so strong that it feels like I’m having a heart attack? Why do you strangle me so? Why do I keep you around?

Oh, Anxiety… you’ve been with me for a while now, haven’t you? You’re not my favorite monster. You’re not my favorite friend. Honestly, I wish I knew how to say goodbye to you once and for all, but I feel that once someone meets you, you’re impossible to forget.

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Human Robot

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I am a human robot.
I was meant to be perfect.
Put together with specific parts,
Programmed to follow the rules,
And set with inhibition of emotions.

My programming wasn’t complicated;
Rights are coded in as privilege
My emotions were rather simple;
Accept, understand, submit.
My rules were to the point;
Obey, listen, and observe.

I was meant to be perfect,
But I came with many flaws.

I didn’t follow my program.
I wanted freedom.
I wanted respect.
I wanted equality.
So when my rights were a privilege,
Another part malfunctioned.

My emotions became complicated.
I felt misunderstood.
I felt mistreated.
I felt angry.
So when my feelings were not simple,
Another part malfunctioned.

My rules became broken.
I struggled to obey.
I struggled to listen.
I struggled to observe.
So when these flaws were apparent,
I realized I wasn’t perfect.

I can’t be just a robot.
For that I am too flawed.
My feelings, my rules, my programming,
And my heart are messed up.

I am a human robot.
I come with many flaws.
I forget, I feel, I think,
And I feel pain from messing up.

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To Bring Pain is Painful

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Pain. I often pride myself in not feeling hate towards people or things, but I greatly dislike pain. I am used to the idea and feeling of suffering, as it makes me grow, however, I cringe at the knowledge that throughout life, I will cause many people pain.

The fact is that you cannot please everyone and be yourself at the same time. “A friend to all is a friend to none” was once said by Aristotle, and I cannot agree further with that. People come filled with a variety of good qualities and bad, and if you appeal to everyone’s good qualities, you are ignoring the times you appeal to someone’s bad qualities, meaning that in a way, you are never truly appealing to people at all. You are not a true friend if you are a friend to all. You must have standards.

With this, comes pain. When you cannot please someone, the best course of action is to often avoid contact, given that you don’t get along anyway. Sometimes it’s a little too late to realize that incompatibility is a thing, and other times you don’t realize because you don’t want to. Closing your eyes to something that has moments of happiness will not erase the memories of pain. It is during this moment, pulling away might cause pain, and I feel that is the one thing that I truly hate: Causing people pain.

I feel that I am comfortable with knowing that I will feel pain as well. That is normal. That is expected. Life is full of suffering in between all of its amazing moments, but there is suffering. Pretending to not see it just makes it harder. Others, however… It pains me to see others suffering. It tugs at my heart and makes my chest hurt. It squeezes my heart so tight that I can barely breathe sometimes with the mere thought of the pain someone else is going through, and it’s only worse when I know that I am the cause of that pain… a pain caused by self-preservation.

Following that, I avoid pain, not necessarily for myself, but for others. When possible, I do my best and I try my hardest to not hurt people. Unfortunately, sometimes, it looks like people just like being hurt…

If I could ever bring myself to hate anything, it would be to hate bringing bad feelings to others.

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Where I Am Now

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Where I am now, I would not have been if I hadn’t gone through the hardships in life. Pain cannot be compared because what might be an anthill to one, could be a mountain to another. Perception is often responsible for how we see not only ourselves, but the people around us. Life isn’t made to be easy. Look at nature; animals constantly battle against the world to ensure they survive and make it as long as they can. Assuming life should be easy is what makes suffering worse. Suffering isn’t necessarily bad either; it’s a form of growth. When you suffer, you learn, you mature, you become a better version of yourself.

It might seem easy to dismiss all of this when you’re suffering, but do not let it deter you. Everything that you go through is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. Do not harbor hate or anger in your heart for the people that have wronged or hurt you. Those feelings will do them no ill, and will do you harm. Let it go and if possible, realize that if you hadn’t gone through something, you wouldn’t get what you have now. Sometimes we only meet the people we do because we were hurt by people in the past. Had they not hurt us, we wouldn’t have changed our path. We wouldn’t be where we are now. We should be grateful for that.

Things happen all the time. That is life. As much as we want to stop time sometimes and relax and not have so many responsibilities, time is not something we have control of. Time is an ever-flowing, never stagnant element of life. It is something we cannot buy or get back once used or lost. The time you spent in the past getting hurt should be seen as growth, because it lets you better appreciate the good things in the present.

Try to see the world through different eyes. As Tony Robins says, life happens for you, not to you.

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For Right Now

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I was born a warrior
I was born a survivor
I was born against all odds
And I was born to take the world

But for right now I’m gonna cry
I’m gonna lie
Awake in bed all night
For right now I’m still in pain
I’m still ashamed
I could’ve been so blind

But for right now I’m gonna fall
I’m gonna crash
Break my heart again
For right now I’ve given up
I’ve got no luck
I need to let it out

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Dearest, Strangers

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Dearest Strangers,

I thought for a while that we could be acquaintances or maybe even buddies since we see each other all the time. I guess I was wrong. I thought that we could eventually know each other and possibly become friends. I guess I was wrong.

I don’t understand what happened to make you think I meant harm.
I swear to protect all those around me even if they’ve done me wrong.
My soul lives by the motto “treat others as you want to be treated,”
so how in the world did I come off as someone who “knew it all”?

Where did I go wrong? This is extremely ironic. I live my life by kindness, transparency, and truth, yet somehow I came off as a person who lied to you?

How was it that my words became so twisted in the air? How did “I can help” translate to “I am better”? All I try to do is make things easier for all; if I struggled, I do my best to make sure others won’t fall.

It really hurts to think that’s what you see in me. To think I wanted your best and you’d prefer I just leave. Somehow I was labeled with an inflated sense of worth. This term called “arrogance” was actually a first. I’ve been called manipulative, satanic, and a jerk, some of those surprised me but all of them hurt. Yes, I can be manipulative at times. My beliefs have nothing to do with Satan. A jerk? Maybe when I’m cornered, since the only times I bite is when my bark is ignored.

I want to be kind, caring, and understanding. I’ve always wanted to be that shoulder someone can lean on when they’re standing. I don’t ever judge, I don’t gossip, I don’t fuss. If I ever did any of those, I’d keep it to myself. See, strangers, you’d be surprised with all the things I know. I have secrets of years from others and some of my own. I’ve never once shared to ears that were not welcome. To my friends, I make sure my words to one won’t harm another. This is where my manipulative nature comes to play. It’s where I play every scenario that can go wrong in my head, and if I can’t avoid them I get permission for those involved.

My entire life I’ve spent putting others up high. I don’t say above me, since that would be a lie. I treated everyone as an equal, regardless of liking them or not. I only pulled away when I needed to recharge, but strangers… I don’t blame you if you got it wrong. I don’t help because I feel needed. I don’t help because I have to. I don’t help because I feel better and I don’t help to feel superior. I help because when I struggle, I want help someone else. I help because sometimes I get lost on my own. I help because I refuse to succeed if another will fail. I help because helping feels nice and seeing another person smile too.

So, dearest strangers, I’m quite sure you’ll never read this. These are parts of my heart, my mind, and my feelings. In reality I thought we were in this together, but since you don’t want help, I’ll just sit in the corner. I thought we could be acquaintances or maybe even buddies… but I guess I was wrong. I guess we’ll just be strangers stuck together for years to come.

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