A Ghost from the Past

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Dear _____,

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt any of you, just as I am sure none of you intended to emotionally disable me for over two years. There are no words I can say that will take your pain away. There is nothing I have that will cure the ache in your heart when you speak or think of me. All I can say is that I am sorry you are in pain and I hope one day you do not hurt anymore.

However, I am not the answer to your problems. Regardless of my words, your pain will remain unless you work through it yourself. Being angry at me, being resentful, or maybe even sad, won’t make you feel better. You can paint me as the devil in the flesh, but that will not take your pain away. You need to move on, just as I have.

Under different circumstances, maybe we all would’ve remained in touch, but it wasn’t the case. Between college and the emotional instability of my inner strength, it was not meant to be. I only had so much I could handle, and at the time, I thought it was my job to take care of everyone’s pain, as I had done for years at that point. I pulled away from everyone because I needed to take care of myself. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

The past is in the past. I cannot help you anymore. I cannot take all of your pain away. I do not wish you any harm. In fact, I hope you are happy, truly happy. I hope that you find a way to work through the suffering I have caused and that you can emerge from it stronger. I believe in all of you. I believe in your ability to get on your two feet and stand taller than ever. I believe you can do it, just as I always have. If blaming me is what you need to do so you can feel better, I will take all the blame, but if it doesn’t help, then you need to find a better way.

There has always been a problem with our group… we would complain for the hell of it, for the sake of venting, and at the time, I thought it was okay… but there is a difference between venting and not letting it go. Sometimes it’s better to vent, let it out, and then instead of dwelling on it, finding a solution, or something to feel better. Be productive.

I like to believe that I was special to you guys, but please do not give me that much control over your lives and your feelings. Right now, I am a ghost of your past. Don’t let a ghost haunt you. Breathe and let it go.

For the simple one, you were the only one that got truly caught in the crossfire. It was your affiliation and closeness to the others that made me decide leaving everyone was for the best. I apologize for any pain I caused you. I promise I did not forget of your fear of abandonment. You were a connected bridge to an island I couldn’t visit anymore. Don’t be afraid to stand on your feet. I know you have the strength inside you to say “no” to people and to cut out those who don’t serve you any good at all. It would’ve been too difficult for me to stay in touch privately with you given your close connections to everyone else, and I didn’t want those connections to my life.

For the toxin, there was no way to save anything. Whatever we touched was destined to crumble. At the time, I knew there was no way of keeping things simple, so I did what you had promised to do yourself on multiple occasions: I brunt the bridges you were connected to. I started from zero. You gave me the strength to start from zero. Thank you for all the lessons you gave me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it hadn’t been for them.

Where am I right now? I am not afraid of my past. Honestly… I’m pretty happy.

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We’ve Both Grown

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We’ve Both Grown since the last time we talked.
I feel that we would get along if we tried,
But the past is the past and what happened, happened.
I cannot suddenly become what I am not.

We both have a way with words, you inspired me with mine,
You spill your feelings onto pages, I pour my feelings into life.
Still, we were different, you were there, and I was not.
We could’ve been different friends, but not this time.

You are not a bad person, you are a kind soul.
You needed friends for comfort, I needed them for more,
I wanted a solution to my heavy burdens,
My venting was not victimizing, I didn’t want that role.

I wonder how your life is, if anything has changed.
I think about the stories that together we left behind.
I miss them, I really do, for those pages became real.
One day I’ll bring them back, at least that can be arranged.

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I Am More Than One

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I am so many things
I am much more than one.

Today
I am an absent friend.
I am a lost dream.
I am the poison in someone’s heart.
And I am the bad reason for everything.

I am also a supportive friend.
I am the perfect imperfection.
I am the light to someone’s day.
And I am the good reason to keep fighting.

But I used to be much more.
I used to be so many.

I was a dedicated, vampiric mother.
I was a drunken, bipolar father.
I was a neglected child.
I was a nine-tailed sorcerer,
Cursed by his mother.

I was a passionate magician.
I was an arrogant dragon rider.
I was a schizophrenic teenager.
I was a happy ex-slave cheetah,
Along with her canine son.

I was a short, lesbian gamer.
I was a sadistic succubus.
I was a shadow demon with morals.
I was a girl eager to please,
Like the golden retriever inside her.

I was a rich, gay brother.
I was a territorial wolf mother.
I was a cuddly, biting tiger.
I was a hot-headed island native,
With the power to control water.

I was a dragon searching knowledge.
I was a flamboyant, gay bartender.
I was a wanna-be guard jaguar.
I was a genderless angel,
And his kinda female daughter.

I was an odd-eyed, smug leader.
I was a scorched, but strong warlock.
I was a ex-prince who loved an assassin.
I was an elf without a heart,
In a realm of friendly Gods.

I used to be all of these.
I used to go by many names.
I used to live in different worlds
All to let out various pains.
Through these lives that I created,
I would feel the things I hide,
That once were buried deep inside.

I used to be all these people.
I used to put on these masks.
I used to have all their problems,
In favor of forgetting about my own.

I am so many things,
But I used to be much more.

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I Used To Be Nice

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I used to be nice
And
I used to care a lot more.
I used to worry about
How
People would feel.
I used to watch myself
And
Monitor my words.
I used to carefully pick
And
Choose every single thought.

I used to care
For
The hurt and wounded.
I used to hold them
And
Tell them it’s okay.
I used to reassure
That
It was meant this way.
I used to apologize
For
Saying something mean.

I used to care about
What
People think.
I used to wonder
How
To make someone smile.
I used to fight
And
Defend another’s right.
I used to give a fuck
When
Someone had a pout.

Now I’m laughing
And
Saying stupid things.
I’m making black jokes
To
My kinda black friend.
I’m pointing out flaws
In
All my best friends.
I’m giving out burns
To
Whoever makes a mistake.

Now I don’t care
About
People being dumb.
I don’t give a shit
And
I’m just having fun.
I manage to laugh
At
Jokes about death.
I somehow find humor
When
I realize I’m bad.

I used to cry
About
My friends in pain.
I used to try
All
In my reach.
I used to be afraid
And
Never rolled the dice.
A long time ago
When
I used to be nice.

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I Tempted Fate

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I am a simple man, there’s not much I need.
I don’t believe in true happiness, I believe in temporary relief.
I haven’t done a lot to think too much of me,
But by some miracle I don’t believe, came the girl of my dreams.
It must be fate, this had to be set in stone.
Now, with every chance, I must confirm she is my own.
I pushed her away, and she came back, every single time.
This is fate, this is true, no matter what, this girl is mine.
I’ll make her happy, someday I will, I’ll begin to try.
She believes in something I don’t have, but she doesn’t lie.
I must be better, I will be better, at least someday I will.
For now, all I can really do is push her away,
Just to see if fate will truly make my dream girl stay.
It worked, many times, she never left my side,
But there’s a point where even fate is unable to abide.
I tempted fate too many times, life is but a trail,
With many paths we all can follow, and many chances to fail.
I thought fate was on my side, and I tempted it too much, it seems,
And now another man is loving the girl of my dreams.

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