Life is Full of Surprises

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Life is full of surprises. I don’t know if I would compare it to a box of chocolates given that the boxes I’ve seen usually have pictures and descriptions of the chocolates inside. There isn’t really something I would find worthy of comparing life to. It is a very unpredictable roller coaster. That’s the closest I can get. It makes you want to scream, it can put a pit in your stomach, and it can make you terrified of going on, but it can also be addicting and make you wanna keep it up.

Life isn’t a constant moving roller coaster though. For some people, it stops in the middle of a plateau and takes a while to even move. For others, it’s the biggest roller coaster in the world that makes you scream not because you want to, but because you have to or you might throw up.

Some people, like myself, aren’t the biggest fans of unpredictability. I’m fine with the roller coaster as long as I can see when it’s going to spike, turn, go upside down and all that stuff. I can adapt; I’ve been doing that my entire life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the desire to pick what kind of roller coaster I’m riding.

There’s a lack of certainty in life that makes me often feel on edge. What’s going to happen tomorrow? What if it’s the rainy day you’re still only beginning to prepare for? What if life throws you a punch you weren’t yet ready to deal with? Even the people around you aren’t certain. Anything can happen and you never know what your last words to them will be. They aren’t permanent in your life and that’s… terrifying. Even if you get married and agree to spend the rest of your life with someone… what about accidents? Assuming it all goes well, there’s still accidents, health concerns, financial instability… how can you ever prepare or not feel breathless when life throws you a curve ball when you weren’t prepared for it?

You can’t prepare. That’s the thing about life. Even if you’re trying to prepare for it, often times things will happen to make it even harder. Life wasn’t made to be stagnant. We have to appreciate the Air we breathe and the things we feel because you don’t know how long any of that will last. You don’t know anything for sure, and that’s terrifying…

If I had to be terrified though, at least I can be terrified with the certainty that it’s never going to get easier, just a better story to tell. No one enjoys a boring story, right?

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We’ve Both Grown

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We’ve Both Grown since the last time we talked.
I feel that we would get along if we tried,
But the past is the past and what happened, happened.
I cannot suddenly become what I am not.

We both have a way with words, you inspired me with mine,
You spill your feelings onto pages, I pour my feelings into life.
Still, we were different, you were there, and I was not.
We could’ve been different friends, but not this time.

You are not a bad person, you are a kind soul.
You needed friends for comfort, I needed them for more,
I wanted a solution to my heavy burdens,
My venting was not victimizing, I didn’t want that role.

I wonder how your life is, if anything has changed.
I think about the stories that together we left behind.
I miss them, I really do, for those pages became real.
One day I’ll bring them back, at least that can be arranged.

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To Bring Pain is Painful

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Pain. I often pride myself in not feeling hate towards people or things, but I greatly dislike pain. I am used to the idea and feeling of suffering, as it makes me grow, however, I cringe at the knowledge that throughout life, I will cause many people pain.

The fact is that you cannot please everyone and be yourself at the same time. “A friend to all is a friend to none” was once said by Aristotle, and I cannot agree further with that. People come filled with a variety of good qualities and bad, and if you appeal to everyone’s good qualities, you are ignoring the times you appeal to someone’s bad qualities, meaning that in a way, you are never truly appealing to people at all. You are not a true friend if you are a friend to all. You must have standards.

With this, comes pain. When you cannot please someone, the best course of action is to often avoid contact, given that you don’t get along anyway. Sometimes it’s a little too late to realize that incompatibility is a thing, and other times you don’t realize because you don’t want to. Closing your eyes to something that has moments of happiness will not erase the memories of pain. It is during this moment, pulling away might cause pain, and I feel that is the one thing that I truly hate: Causing people pain.

I feel that I am comfortable with knowing that I will feel pain as well. That is normal. That is expected. Life is full of suffering in between all of its amazing moments, but there is suffering. Pretending to not see it just makes it harder. Others, however… It pains me to see others suffering. It tugs at my heart and makes my chest hurt. It squeezes my heart so tight that I can barely breathe sometimes with the mere thought of the pain someone else is going through, and it’s only worse when I know that I am the cause of that pain… a pain caused by self-preservation.

Following that, I avoid pain, not necessarily for myself, but for others. When possible, I do my best and I try my hardest to not hurt people. Unfortunately, sometimes, it looks like people just like being hurt…

If I could ever bring myself to hate anything, it would be to hate bringing bad feelings to others.

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Where I Am Now

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Where I am now, I would not have been if I hadn’t gone through the hardships in life. Pain cannot be compared because what might be an anthill to one, could be a mountain to another. Perception is often responsible for how we see not only ourselves, but the people around us. Life isn’t made to be easy. Look at nature; animals constantly battle against the world to ensure they survive and make it as long as they can. Assuming life should be easy is what makes suffering worse. Suffering isn’t necessarily bad either; it’s a form of growth. When you suffer, you learn, you mature, you become a better version of yourself.

It might seem easy to dismiss all of this when you’re suffering, but do not let it deter you. Everything that you go through is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. Do not harbor hate or anger in your heart for the people that have wronged or hurt you. Those feelings will do them no ill, and will do you harm. Let it go and if possible, realize that if you hadn’t gone through something, you wouldn’t get what you have now. Sometimes we only meet the people we do because we were hurt by people in the past. Had they not hurt us, we wouldn’t have changed our path. We wouldn’t be where we are now. We should be grateful for that.

Things happen all the time. That is life. As much as we want to stop time sometimes and relax and not have so many responsibilities, time is not something we have control of. Time is an ever-flowing, never stagnant element of life. It is something we cannot buy or get back once used or lost. The time you spent in the past getting hurt should be seen as growth, because it lets you better appreciate the good things in the present.

Try to see the world through different eyes. As Tony Robins says, life happens for you, not to you.

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Empty Room With Familiar Faces

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Stepping down the hall,
Following past traces.
Walking into an Empty Room,
Full of familiar faces.

A wave from before,
Mixes with the after.
What used to be a family,
Torn in broken laughter.

The room fades away.
The voices drown out.
The only thing that remains,
Is the internal painful shout.

Smiles all around,
Blind to a hardening heart.
The empty room with faces,
Gradually turns it dark.

Different from outside,
Where there is no end,
The room casts a bubble,
That repels every known friend.

The sounds drain away,
As music fills the head.
Yet, the internal silence,
Is screaming louder instead.

Fading into the background,
Each face has a story.
A chapter from every one,
Each smile, just a memory.

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When You Run Out of Blood

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When you run out of blood,
You content yourself with water.
You throw in some red dye,
To see if your body will bother.

It’s definitely not as thick,
And it doesn’t feel the same,
But your body allows red water
To run through your veins.

Throw in enough dye,
And you begin to feel okay.
This new water has managed
To find a way to stay.

It’s comforting, and it’s there,
You’re not empty inside.
You’re still filled with a red liquid,
You have nothing to hide.

Some people have bad blood,
Diseased, weak, and dark,
So you figure it’s okay that your blood
Ran out when you were born.

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Buried in a Wishing Well

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There was a time that I feared being alone;
I feared the fact that I would be on my own.
One day I’d go away;
Lose my home,
Lose what’s “safe”,
Knowing that I’d have to part
With the place my life had to start.

I was told as a child that dreams come true.
Toss a coin into a wishing well was all I had to do.
So coin by coin, it seemed,
I tossed into the well,
What a child had dreamed.
If only I knew the cost
Of those dreams I lost.

I imagined that I would always have a piece of my home;
Carry it inside my heart no matter where my body would roam.
Those were dreams of a child,
That didn’t know the fact
That reality is often wild.
Now I wish that back then I had a way to tell,
My dreams would be Buried in a Wishing Well.

Today, I am afraid that I will never be alone;
Afraid that I will somehow not make it on my own.
One day, I’ll go away;
Find a new home,
Find my new “safe”,
But part of me will always be scared
My buried dreams won’t be repaired.

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